Things I missed out as a preemie mom

Today is the "Preemie Awareness Day" and even though it brings back sour memories, it makes me smile the fact that my girls are mostly healthy and growing into beautiful ladies.

There are three types of premature babies: 'micro preemies', 'preemies' and 'preterm babies'. My girls are considered preterm babies because they were born between 34-37 weeks of gestation. Mia developed Fetal growth restriction at 33 weeks, so she was the only one considered 'preemie' even though she was born after 34 weeks.

I can only imagine how horrible it is to have a baby born earlier than 33 weeks, and my experience is nothing compared to what those moms and babies went through. Still I'm only human, and I had dreams of holding my babies on my chest as soon as they were born, and I couldn't. All my babies were taken away from me as soon as they were born, and it was heartbreaking how I was not able to be in control over them, and to give them the love they needed... They received the medical care... that part is true... but not the emotional comfort they were used to while being on my belly.

Only a person that have been in this situation can understand what it is to see your baby crying and crying, and not being able to hold her because she needed to be inside of a plastic box! My head knew they needed to be there, but my heart only wanted to hold them close and sing in their ears and make them feel comforted and loved. They were sooo loved and I wasn't able to show them that.

I will be posting individually about the experience of each girl, but this first post will be about me. Why? Because it's easy to find information online about health related issues for the child, however, there is ONE thing that you hardly ever read about... The emotional scar that every mom of a baby born early can't run away from.

That doesn't seem important, and at the end of the day, it is not.  Still, I want to post about those little things I missed out... those little things that made me feel like a bad mom... those little things that made me think it was my fault... those little things that makes me want to hug hard every preemie mom I meet...

This may not be the situation for every preemie mom, but here are some of my own facts... Things I missed out and things I felt... and some other things that I would never know how they feel like...
1- I would never know how it feels to have a normal pregnancy without complications, or to be pregnant full term, or have a birth plan...
2- I would never go through the nesting stage during a pregnancy
3- I would never know what it feels to have everything ready waiting for the baby to be born.  In all three pregnancies they were born before I was even close to be ready.
4- I wasn't able to do skin-to-skin when my girls were born because they needed medical attention right away.
5- I wasn't able to hold my babies during their first day of life, because they were not allowed to be with room temperature.
6- They were not able to room in with me in the hospital, because they were in the NICU.
7- I had to ask permission to strangers to see and even touch MY babies, because the nurses and doctors were the ones in control.
8- I was not allowed to breastfeed them for the first few days, because they needed controlled IV feedings only.
9- After months of having my babies in my belly, after they discharged me, I had to go home baby-less.... No baby in my belly and no baby in my arms...
10- In Gaby's case, I couldn't even see her for 2 entire days, because she was transferred to a different hospital. This happens when there is not enough space in the NICU. Then, I needed to wait to be discharged myself to be able to see her.
11- I had to see them crying without being able to do ANYTHING about it. Then, after they were discharged, and I only wanted to hold my babies 24/7, I had to hear people telling me how it was not good for the babies to be held that much. I seriously wanted to punch every person that said that to me.
12- I wasn't able to have a good night sleep in forever... Not because my babies were crying, but because even though they were asleep, I was afraid something was going to happen in their sleep. I took me years to be able to sleep in peace, because by the time I was starting to feel comfortable that nothing was going to happen in their sleep, I already had a new preemie to worry about the same thing.

I'm sure there are more things but those were all that came to my mind. Now I will post about the experience with each one of the girls.... (post updated to add the links)

5 years ago.....

It is crazy to think about it, but I just cant believe all the things that have happened in our lives in this past five years. Our life was so different, and I hardly can believe all that we have grown as a family in only five years. Five years and 6 months ago, we found out that we were expecting our first child. It seemed unbelievable, and after 3 home tests and 2 lab visits, it was true!

Hubby and I were very much in love and pretty sure what we wanted in life, and we were thrilled but pretty much scared of what this change was going to bring to our lives. It was a very hot summer in New Jersey, and as hubby was a lifeguard and swimming instructor, we spent most of our summer from pool to pool. He also did maintenance to lots of pools, and we spent a lot of time in the roads as most of the pools were almost hitting Pennsylvania.

My pregnancy was great, even though I was always alert, trying to avoid anything that could possibly happen. At some point during my third trimester I started feeling discomfort and low back pain, but it was "normal". One night at 36 weeks (just a couple of days before my mom was flying in for 6 weeks) the discomfort was way more intense, and I decided to take a trip to the E.R. Mostly, I just needed to be reassured that everything was just fine, and to be sent back to my house.

That didnt happen! I was having strong contractions every 10 minutes or so, and was already 2 centimeters dialated. They kept me overnight with no food, and when they checked me again I was still 2 centimeters. I signed a released form to be sent home because I was not planning to stay there longer. I mean, I was starving, and also had tons of stuff to do... I was not ready for baby just yet. My mom planned to arrive early and there was tons of things that I wanted to buy with her.

So, as funny as it sounds, here is the agenda of that day:
- Shopping
- Get ready for baby
- Home at 4pm
- Shower
- Washed my hair
- Hospital to have my baby!!

I knew I was dilating more, and by that time, I was already starting to feel the contractions way more. When I got to the hospital I was already 4 centimeters, and I knew that was it. I remembered that night I called my mom with a calling card from the Hospital, and told her that there may be a baby by the time she gets here at the next day. She was at my aunt's house celebrating a shower for me. They got together to buy presents for Gaby, and she told me that they all prayed together that night.

I was stressed and very anxious, and my progress was sooo slow, that they even gave me something to help me sleep. The morning was looooooooong, and I was very moody... They didnt want to let me walk because I was still early and they wanted the baby to bake a bit longer, but suddenly my water broke, and that was really it. After that, they knew nothing was going to stop Gaby from being born, so they let me walk to make things a bit faster.

I remembered that I was holding it together without pain medications, but the nurses kept insisting if I wanted the epidural. They insisted so much that I decide it to let them put it to me, even though I was still holding it together. Then, the anesthetist lady upset me because she wanted my EMT hubby out of the room... He was an EMT for Christ Sake, he was not going to faint! So, I decided not to get it because I didnt want to stay alone in there... I remember I was in a lot of pain in my hands because of the IV. Of course, just after she left, the pain started getting unbearable and I had to agree on getting the epidural without hubby present.

A couple of friends went to pick up my mom to the Airport, and my mom got straight to the Hospital when I was already 9 centimeters. It was a bit over 3:00pm when I hit 10. My mom and hubby were pushing with me, and Im positive that it was a team job. I cant even imagine how I would have manage to give birth without their help. We ALL pushed for over an hour. Gaby was born at 4:21pm weighting 6 pounds, 6 ounces and 19.5 inches long. She didnt cried right away, but she got an 8-9 Apgar score.

Hours passed and my baby wasnt with me. I complained and complained and nobody was giving us clear info. Then, the doctor in charge came to talk to me. As they anticipated, she developed Neonatal Respiratory Distress Syndrome, and she needs to spent some time in the NICU. That hospital had an space for only 4 babies, and it was full already. They called an ambulance to transport her to St. Joseph Children's Hospital, two hours away! They took her for me to see her, and check bracelet ID numbers. I still needed to stay in the hospital, so suddenly I have no baby in my belly, and no baby in my arms!! It was hard!

Hubby left with Gaby, and I stayed with my mom. Hubby promised not to be apart from her and to keep me updated, and he did. It was hard not to have my baby, but at least hubby was there for her.

A few days later, we all went home, and breastfeeding was a total failure. After much frustration, we decided to let formula to take over, and Gaby was an all time feeder and she was never full. Until now she is still a milk freak, and she doesnt make negotiations that puts her milk in danger. She is a very smart girl, and even though she has gone through so much in her short life, she is so full of life.

She is a strong willed girl, always ready to let her creativity fly away. She loves motor gross activities and can be a very sweet and loving girl. She loves her sisters to death, and even though she loves all her grandparents a lot, she had a weakness over her paternal grandfather (my father in law). While she was little, she used to be a daddy's girl, but now she has become a mommy's girl. She loves sports, and we cant wait to see what sport she will prefer while growing up. She loves dogs like nothing else in the world, and she is a happier girl since she has one at home.

Gabriela: We learned how to be parents with you, and we promise to do our best. You are the best big sister both of your sisters can ask for. We love you very much, and we cant wait to see all the big things that we know you will do as you continue to grow up. Keep it up!!

A bit over a year ago....

As I was being checked for high blood pressure after my pre-eclampsia with Mia in April 2006, I was not allowed to use a birth control method other than condoms. At my 6 months postpartum check up, I was suppose to be checked to see if I was able to get on another type of birth control. I was late for my checkup, but I was also late for the period!!

December 2006

I found out that I was pregnant and I was almost over with the first trimester. My period is very irregular, so I wasnt "missing" much, and it was impossible to be pregnant as for the FIRST TIME in my life, I was actually using birth control (a condom, that by the way, never broke!!).

January 2006

At this point I was over 12 weeks pregnant with no medical attention so far, overweight, and with a history of pre-eclampsia 5 months before I got pregnant. Three doctors refused to take my case, and one even suggest me a termination for medical reasons. It was risky, we were not ready, I had no medical attention, BUT there was NO WAY I was going to abort my baby.

I found an OB, that not just accept my case, but that also was very optimistic. He was very young, but we got the feeling that he was the one that was going to make this possible (along with God's hands, of course). He was in my mom's town almost 3 hours away, but we were going to work it out.... He asked me to go every 2 weeks and gave me his cell phone humber for any emergency.

February 2006

As Mia was already over 20 pounds, and I was feeling pain while holding her, my OB asked me not to hold her. I was home alone with her until 6pm everyday and she was a VERY high needs baby, so it was impossible not to hold her. My OB asked me not to do chores at home, no sex, and very low activity. My mom, hubby and I had a talk, and we decided it was the best for Mia to stay at my mom's house. I was *living* at my mom's house for 2 weeks, and then 2 weeks at my house... That way Mia was having her mom for two weeks at my mom's house, and then Gaby will have her mom for the next two weeks at our house. It has been one of the most difficult decision that I have made in my life, and it still hurts when I think about it. But we were doing what it felt it was the right thing. (Notice on the picture, how I look with the same shirt 5 weeks later).

March 2006

I was having the most unevenful pregnancy of all three, and I was loving it. The traveling back and forth was driving me crazy, but my baby was fine, and that was the most important thing. In this month I started taking L-carnitine, which (among others) is a medication that is usually prescribed to children and seniors with lack of body fat. He wanted to start giving "the baby" something, because he wanted to wait at least until I was 28 weeks to give me 3 doses of steroids.

April 2006
Contractions started at some point, but I always get them early, so it was not a big deal. As I was taking my blood pressure at home 2 times a day everyday per doctors orders, I was also checking the beats per minute (as it shows in the blood pressure monitor), so I noticed that I was getting tachycardia. As the blood pressure was fine so far, and I was also with tachycardia, the OB wanted to wait more for the steroids shots.

May 2006

At 32 weeks, my OB wanted to see me every week. He also asked me not to travel anymore to my house, so I *moved* to my mom's house. Gaby and hubby were going every weekend to see us.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Since around 1:00am, I was feeling this awful pain in my lower back... I really couldn’t sleep in the whole night. I was also feeling a lot of pressure in my pelvis, but I also was feeling like that in my Friday appt with my OB, and everything was fine. So, I tried to ignore the pain. Also, my mom's maid wasnt home, so going to the ER in the middle of the night for a false alarm wasnt an option... I mean, I had nobody else but my mom to drive me to the ER, and that would mean to wake up poor Camila. I needed to avoid that as long as it was possible.

I kept complaining about the pain in the morning and I called my OB. He told me to go to the ER to check if I was dilating. By noon I was in the ER alone, because babies were not allowed inside, so my mom stayed outside with Camila. The OB (thank God there are OBs 24/7 in that hospital) said: “Four contractions in 10 minutes...you are getting admitted!!”. We asked Camila’s godfather to stay with her for a couple of hours, and he and his wife offer to take care of her until the next day at 6am (as they had to go to work).

They gave me meds for the contractions right away. A few hours later they were really far apart, but one of the side effects of that med is tachycardia, and as I already had some, I was feeling that my heart was going to get out of my body!!!

Monday, May 21, 2007

My mom left at 6am to pick up Camila, and I stayed alone. I was starving but breakfast wasnt until 8am. The last thing I had to eat was at 8pm, so I was about to pass out. For some reason, my breakfast NEVER got there, and it didnt matter how many times I called for it, my breakfast never made it. By 10am I wasn’t able to open my eyes... everything was black, and I couldnt even move my arms... It was an horrible feeling... Everybody though my blood pressure went down, but it was fine. They called the lab and one lady came and did a fast glucose test and it came out 210 (when the normal levels were from 70 to 100)... That was REALLY high, especially since I had nothing in my stomach to affect the result!!! They called my OB and he asked for blood glucose test and for breakfast!!

When he went to see me I told him that Amelia wasn’t moving, and that the only time she moved that morning was during a contraction. He asked for a biophysical profile (BPP), also called level 3 ultrasound, but the person that does them wasnt there until the morning. He asked me to write every time that she moved and for how long. She moved for 1 or 2 second a few times ONLY during contractions. To me that meant that she suffering during each contractions and she was reacting. That night, the glucose test came out 103, so it was closer to the normal value.

Tuesday, May 22nd

At 8am, they took me for the BPP. That ultraound is more detailed than the regular ultrasound, and everythings gets a score (like an apgar test when the baby is born)... The good score is 8, a regular score is 6, and a bad score is 4 or less. The test last 30 minutes, because the babies in utero don’t sleep for longer periods than that. The first thing that the tech told me was that the amniotic fluid was in 7. The normal value is between 8 and around 16, but for a 34 weeks baby it should be at least 13, so it was low. Then, she told me that there’s some calcification in the placenta, and that it looked it mature for the gestational age. She also told me that the umbilical cord was around her neck. When we already had 28 minutes, she told me that she needed 3 full movements of the baby so she can give the 2 points for movement, and that so far there was not movement at all. At minute 31 (a minute extra), Amelia moved, and I though she was going to give her the score (or at least half of it).

My OB came at 2pm and told me that Amelia got ZERO in movement, and that means that the baby is asking us to take her out of there. He asked me if I ate something, and I told him that I ate broccoli and chicken an hour before. He told that because of that, he was going to come back at around 6:30pm to do the c-section. I was really scared, but I had faith that everything was going to be just fine. I called hubby (who was 3 hours away), and he told me he was going to run to be able to cut the umbilical cord.

At around 3:45pm, my friend Luz (who spent most of the time with me in the hospital, noticed that Amelia’s heartbeat started to drop, but she didnt tell me anything. The nurses called my OB and he said that he was going to go to do the c-section right away. A few minutes later, my OB get into the room and tell me that he got a surgery room, and that he was going to do the c-section already (but nobody told me about the heartbeat!!). Neither my mom or hubby made it. When we were about to start, my OB ask me about calling my mom to let her know that we were going to start, and we did the phone call from his cell phone (he’s so sweet)... I also called hubby, and even though he was sad he was not going to make it, he was supportive and wish me good luck.

Everything went fine. At 5:23pm Amelia Isabele was born. She cried right away. Then, my OB asked me 3 more times if I was sure about the tubal, and he went ahead and did it. They show her to me after her one minute apgar and took her to the NICU... Minutes later the NICU doctor came in and told me that she had some respiratory distress (as expected), and that she was 4 pounds, 6 ounces.

Wednesday, May 23 – Monday, May 28, 2007
Amelia had pneumonia and anemia, and needed blood transfusions. She had help to breathe until Friday night, and then she was transfer to a isolatte with free oxygen. She ate for the first time on Saturday, and that's when I held her for the first time. She was released on Monday. She was still with a little bit of low temperature, but she was fine!!

May 22, 2008
A whole year has passed since Mimi's birth. I still cant believe it. She went throught so much and she is the sweetest and happiest baby of all. I know that she is not a baby anymore, she is suppose to be "my youngest toddler", but she still is and will always be my baby.

Happy Birthday my sweet little flower!

2 years ago...

… we were already settled in this country since a few months ago. We were loving it here, especially hubby that have never visited this country before. Lifestyle was VERY different from New Jersey, but it was a great experience.


Monday, March 13, 2006
It was my last day of my job before my maternity leave started. I was working in Punta Cana Beach Resort as Administrative Assistant of the Real State director.

Thursday, March 16, 2006
Ultrasound day. 32 weeks and 5 days (according to my LMP). Everything was great with the baby, and she was 4 pounds. As in this country you can walk in for an ultrasound, I wanted to have one done before leaving to the states at the next day. I also went in for urine and blood work. As I was overweight since the birth of Gaby, I checked for high blood pressure, and pre-eclampsia my whole pregnancy.

Friday, March 17, 2006
I got in a plane at 1:00am and got to the JFK Airport by 5:00am. I spent my whole day and up to 9:00pm in the Airport. Pregnant and alone with a 2 year old. No food, or anything, like if I was some kind of criminal, and then I got in another plane to DR again.

Saturday, March 18,2006
As I didnt eat or sleep for over 30 hours, I went to the ER to check on my baby. I wasnt feeling it and we all started thinking the worst. Thank God she was Ok, but I was having contractions. I got an appointment for Monday with an OB/GYN.

Monday, March 20, 2006
I went to my appointment to meet this new doctor. As I wasnt suppose to give birth in this country, we never planned where I was going to give birth or with who. I was going to my monthly check ups with a doctor that was close to my house, who was a good doctor, but that I would never consider as the doctor that I want to give birth with. So, at 33 weeks, and 2 days of pregnancy, I was meeting the OB/GYN that I will be giving birth with. For the first time in my whole pregnancy, my blood pressure was high. I remember it was 130/90 (when it was 110/70 the whole pregnancy). She sent me for urine test and it was normal (no protein..... for those that doesnt know protein is present when a woman has pre-eclampsia). She wanted to see me again next Monday, and asked me to check for high blood pressure indicators.

Monday, March 27, 2006
I was feeling weird again, and I was alert. Blood pressure was a bit high again, protein was negative, and I was sent for another ultrasound. Here is where I knew for sure that something was not right. The baby was 4 pounds! Exactly the same weight that she was 11 days ago. As it was a different tech, everybody agreed that the ultrasounds are not exact and not to worry about it, but I just didnt bought it. I mean, I know ultrasounds are not exact, but I knew there was something more in this case. As the contractions kept coming, I was prescribed with meds to stop contractions. Next appointment for next Monday.

Monday, April 3, 2006
I was already 35 weeks and 2 days pregnant (according to LMP). The ultrasound was saying that I had less, but the OB/GYN (and I completely agreed) wanted to keep the original date. Blood pressure was a bit high again, but protein came back negative. Next appointment for next Monday.

Thursday, April 6, 2006
I went to Labor and Delivery because even though I was on meds to stop contractions, I was feeling a lot of contractions that morning. When I got there, I was contracting, but I also had high blood pressure. They didnt want to let me go, so I stayed in the Hospital from Thursday until Saturday. That day I was supposed to be 36 weeks pg (due to LMP), and that it when pregnant woman are suppose to stop drinking the meds to stop contractions. But the doctor told me not to stop drinking the medicine for the contractions until Wednesday that she wanted it to see me again.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Morning
I got to my check up and blood pressure was a little bit higher than in the previous check ups (even though it was still that high: 140/90). They ask me to lay down in a little bed that they have and they took my b/p again 1 hour later. It was still the same, so she sends me to an Internist right there in the same hospital so she could prescribed me something for my blood pressure. Before going to the other doctor, she told me that my baby "looked" small (that was with touching my belly and feeling the baby). She was as big as a 33 weeker since that ultrasound at almost 33 weeks, until the last one. When I got to the other doctor, my blood pressure was higher. It was already 140/100 (the second number which is the most dangerous one was going up). The doctor didnt like that at all and she prescribed me some meds. She also sent me for an echocardiogram and an electrocardiogram (EKG), and to come back right away for the results.

Afternoon
I went for the echocardiogram and EKG. The EKG was fine, but the echocardiogram was showing something that was sometimes normal for pregnant women. The doctor told me that she wanted me to take the meds and to come back at the next day to take my blood pressure again. She also sent me to the lab for another urine and blood test (results were fine).

6:00pm
I went home to get some rest. We got the meds and I took it. Hubby, Gaby and my mom went to the supermarket to buy some stuff, and I stayed home sleeping. It was already 9pm and I suddenly started feeling weird. I started to feel some cramps all over my body (specially in the neck) and I feel myself itchy. I got scared and I though that probably my blood pressure went down because of the medicine. I called hubby to come to pick me up to take me to the Hospital to take my blood pressure. While I was waiting for him (and my mom) one of my aunts calls and I told her what Im feeling, and she tells me that those are symptoms of high blood pressure, not low. I told her that it was impossible because I had some medicine for ir so it couldnt be higher. When I got to the closest Hospital (not the one I was going to give birth) they told me that my blood pressure was 140/110. They told me that I had to options: 1) To be hospitalized and they were going to lower my blood pressure and then in the morning they were going to induce me OR 2) Sign a discharge paper and to go to my Hospital. I choose going to my Hospital, so I called my OB and she told me that she was going to call for them to be waiting for me.

11:00pm
When I got there, it looked it like everybody was waiting for me. As soon as they saw me coming in they ask me if I was the pregnant woman that has high bp that was coming and I said yes. I was surprised because there were a lot of people in there, and they just knew it was me. So, they put me in a bed, took my blood pressure and it was already 150/120. They didnt let me talk or anything. It looked it like the whole Hospital was on top of me, and everything was being done in a rush!!!! They started putting that thingy that takes your urine in a little bag, they put me an IV and started giving magnesium sulfate (something that was putting my body HOT). When they took the blood pressure again it was 140/110, they gave me sulfate again, and then the blood pressure was 140/100. In that moment looked it like everybody started to breath! Finally they got the second number at least in 100. They sent me to a room, and they told me that they were going to keep putting me magnesium sulfate every 2 hours until morning (those were the instructions from my OB) and she was going to come in the morning (around 8am) to talk to me about the possibility of having the baby that day.

April 13, 2006
They kept giving me the sulfate and the blood pressure was the same, but the second number wasnt going down from 100, so at 6:45am my OB walks in my room to tell me that its too dangerous to keep the baby inside (dangerous for both lives). So, a couple of minutes after that I was on my way to the operation room by myself... My mom was the one that spent the night with me (DH was taking care of Gaby and they were going to switch in the morning), but the hospital was not allowing my mom in the room, and hubby was on his way. Even though, he rushed himself to the hospital, he missed the birth of Camila Nicole aka Mia at 7:30am.


She weighed just 4 pounds and 2 ounce with 36 weeks and 5 days. Even though she was almost full-term, we came to the conclusion that she wasnt growing up in my belly due to the high blood pressure. She cried right away, and she was the smallest baby to my eyes! She hardly needed any help to breath, but she spent 5 long days in the NICU.

April 13, 2007
Camila turned a year old and it was a big thing!! We didnt celebrate big, it was a small party at my mom's house, but all the people that were there care about her a lot and are part of her day to day life. She wasnt walking yet, but she was cruising all over!! She was into everything (and with everything I mean EVERYTHING), but she was also the sweetest baby and everybody was in love with her).

April 13, 2008
Tomorrow Camila is turning 2. Even though her party was 2 weeks ago, it hasnt grown on me that she is already 2. I kept saying: "she is almost 2, but not yet". in a few minutes she will be already 2, and that only thing Im going to add here (if you made it this long) is that Im REALLY proud of being her mom, and my heart fills with pride when I say: "Yes, that's my daughter!"